haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
