Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
