i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
