If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
