he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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