I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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