Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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