I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
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I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
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A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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