just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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