this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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