If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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