when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
