I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
