My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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