the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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