I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
