Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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