No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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