Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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