Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
