I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
