I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
