listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
