i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
