I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
