No awkward lesbian experiences without me
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
