Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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