I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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