I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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