Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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