I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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