i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
