There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
