I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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