i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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