Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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