A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
