so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I wish there were birth control emojis
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
