just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
