What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
