even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
