I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
