I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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