got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I need to calm my uterus...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
