why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
