Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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