The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think I won the penis lottery.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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