You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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