I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
