I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
