Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
