so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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