...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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