I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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