I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
