Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
